Starting over

A few months ago, I went to my sister from another mister’s house warming party. While everyone was there having fun, celebrating; she found herself introducing me to every single-man there as, “her single friend”. 

I love her to the moon and back! She knows that I am not open to meeting new people and if she could possibly pair me with a great guy; she would. The interesting part about this party was that I did leave with a number, another single mother’s. LOL!!!

Having been in a toxic relationship for over a decade, I am super guarded and cognizant of the fact that if, I don’t open up myself to meeting other people; I might be that old woman in the corner house with fifty cats.

Starting over is hard as fk!

 

I’m guarded like a virgin trying to protect her virtue at a frat house. I find it so difficult to even smile at the opposite sex because I don’t want courtesy to be mistaken for flirting. I’ve realized there’s a thin line. I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that says, “hey, I’m single!”

It’s funny because I am not socially awkward; I can start a conversation with a complete stranger if I chose. But I’m moody as fk and antisocial. I’m that ignorant person in the elevator that stares at their phone to avoid conversation.

I’ve been set in my ways for so long, so used to curbing dudes when they try to approach me; I haven’t tapped into the pleasant woman that welcomes attention from the opposite sex. Is it weird that as I go through this divorce, I feel guilty for starting over? I know it’s a conundrum. Divorce means ending one relationship and starting anew. While I’m glad to be out of a bad relationship, the stakes are super high now.

I’m in my 30’s. I’m a single-mom of two. I’m jaded af and I’m a mompreneur with a fulltime job. Let’s not mention my weird ass sleeping habit.

I’ve squandered most of my “good years” on a man that wasn’t worthy and now; I want to focus on my dreams and my business aspirations. When I have free time (i.e. time away from being a mommy), I don’t want to spend it on dates or phone conversations getting to know someone; I want to work on my brand, my novel, photography, makeup…the things that are important to me.

My time is very precious and allocated amongst family and my business so dating will have to be taken from if not one of the two or both. I’m sacrificing before I even know if this guy is for me.

What’s even scarier is that I’m not one of those women that’s looking for a father for her children but I am looking for a man that will be a great fit for both my kids and I. I would truly have to invest energy to sift through the bullshit dudes to find my King. If you know me, you are fully aware that I do not play when it comes to my children. Yo, that is a lot to ask a single mompreneur that’s trying to make a way out of no way. Who has that kind of time?

Dating is daunting, draining and discouraging af!

I’ll tell you what has been refreshing since the divorce proceedings have transpired. This time apart from my ex-husband (gosh, I can’t wait for that shit to be official—still in the process) I found a new love for self and it’s freeing. I love my solitude—yes, I am that weirdo at the restaurant on its busiest night asking for a booth to have dinner alone. SHRUGS.  I love being able to focus on my projects without having to share or make time for someone else. I want to drink a bottle of wine and make peace with the chaos in my head. I love turning my phone on do not disturb and responding to texts and calls when I see fit. I’m in a constant phase of reflection and I refuse to have anyone cloud my judgement.

The hardest part about where I am is that; I was lonely for years in my marriage and I couldn’t wait until I gained the strength to be alone. Now that I have it; I want to dwell in it. My serenity came at a price and if I cannot find a man that will strengthen, support, empower, unconditionally love, and cherish what’s important to me then miss me with the BS.

It might sound selfish but I just want to get lost in my family and art; fk everything else.

I’m truly content with where I am! Place me at a dope coffee shop with my MacBook, some lipstick, iPhone, Canon DSLR, journal, pen and let me be.

It might sound selfish but I just want to get lost in my family and art; fk everything else.… Click To Tweet

If the right guy happens to run into me there, I pray that it’s on a good day because I can spew venom if you catch me on the wrong day at the wrong time.

As a little girl, I was taught that you weren’t made whole until you were a part of something and that something was marriage. I’m still piecing together the broken pieces and trying to rationalize the lessons I obviously missed and retrain myself from societal normalcy.

I’m still piecing together the broken pieces and trying to rationalize the lessons I obviously… Click To Tweet

I refuse to be that forty or fifty-year-old that’s repeatedly making the same mistakes. I’d rather take the necessary time to determine what I need and what’s good for me, now. I’d be lying if I said that fear isn’t a reason that I won’t try but I honestly do not think that I am ready and I think that’s okay.

If you’re like me, or you’ve been where I am, please tell me; what did you do? How did you cope? Asking for a friend. LOL.

Images courtesy: Nai’lah Carter

Related Blogs: Naked Scars, Black single-moms: too strong, Dating a mompreneur.

2 Comments

  1. You can’t truly love and give of yourself if your not content with life as is. Your not begin selfish actually selfless by saying you going to obtain goals and dreams first, so you can totally focus on the man of your dreams when he appears in due season. We have to guard our hearts and dreams. You learn quickly especially after a failed marriage valuable life lesson that make you know better. Make your mark in life, live your purpose then everything else will get in where it fit in. Love the topic and your rawness.

    1. Andrea,
      Thank you! I appreciate your kind words. When I speak to my peers, they think I’m weird for not aspiring for a relationship. My therapist calls it smart selfish but the people that are supposed to support and understand where I am, think it’s rather selfish. I can’t change how others feel and I”m not living up to standards of the way people think my life should be. Been there done that. Thanks again for reading and commenting!

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