Naked Scars

With all the hats I wear, I’m at Artist at heart. I love that rush that burns through my soul and warms my insides when I step out the confinement of my comfort zone. Some days I drift away in my words as I pen away at this novel or enhance beauty with paint and a brush, then other days I want to capture pieces of the world through my 50mm lens. As a mompreneur, you understand the journey but respect all that it takes to keep the balls in the air.

The last few weeks there’s been this dark cloud over me. Things were so bad that I forgot to pay attention to my feel-good moments—my children’s laughter, the smell of coffee, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, a great orgasm…or heading home after a long day of work knowing that there’s left overs and I don’t have to cook. LOL! (Don’t judge me.)

The funny thing about life is that it’s not always easy and as you overcome one obstacle, another one is around the corner. But, it’s all about perspective. If you have the mindset of someone defeated then your problems will consume you. However, if you have the mindset of a conqueror then you’ll win! When I first learned about the laws of attraction, it seemed, like great advice that I’d never use. The challenge is learning to control your thoughts for they manifest what comes to fruition. The reason why it’s challenging, is, you can say, “I’m having a great day…” but on the inside, you don’t feel anything remotely close to those feelings. In turn the universe will deliver the feelings as opposed to what you verbalized.

Have you ever been somewhere, someone walked in the room and something on the inside just felt, off? You may have said, “I don’t know what it is about this guy/girl, but I’m getting a bad vibe.” That feeling, is energy.

We have to be so cognizant of how we’re using our energy because that’s what controls our happiness. The past few years, my life took a turn in a direction I knew would come but as much as I prepared, I wasn’t ready for the drop. During these last months, the reality of my circumstances left me, broken. For the last twelve years, I’ve shared pieces of my life with the love of my life but after five consecutively unhappy years of holding onto something because I was more fearful of devil I didn’t know; I stayed with the one I did.

I found comfort in my unhappiness. I remember the disbelief I told myself every night, “things will get better,” “everyone has a rough patch” but for years we were miserable. Holding on for dear life because every feeling inside of me wanted it to work. I remember being so afraid of what my future would be without him. I was in a sullen pit; filled with fear and depression that I forgot who I was.

I found comfort in my unhappiness. I was in a sullen pit; filled with fear that I forgot who I… Click To Tweet

Before I left him, I had to find myself and reinvent the life I came to know. I had to learn to appreciate myself and constantly remind that lonely girl on the inside that, this wasn’t happiness! Steadily convincing myself, “you did all that you could” but even now, after all that time has passed, I’m still searching for the diamond that has been buried under the rocks, dirt, shattered home, broken promises and empty, I love you’s.

My energy was constantly depleted and finally I knew that I deserved better then quickly realized that before it got better; things would get worse. Change wasn’t as easy as I’d initially thought but it was a challenge I was willingly to accept.

Rebuilding confidence. Learning to look at my reflection and not see the lacerations of what love did and didn’t do! Love was painful words and lonely nights. Love was too boastful to say, I fk*d up; let’s make it right. Love couldn’t consistently try harder and harder; it was impatient and grew weary until I stopped! Then, love wanted to repair after it took every bit of life in me but it was all but too late.

Now, a barricaded armor protects a heart that now struggles to feel or reciprocate feelings of love. Looking past the triggers that come in scents and miscommunications that remind me of him. I find myself cowering because as much as I think I’m ready for new love; I’m deeply afraid of it.

Now, a barricaded armor protects a heart that now struggles to feel or reciprocate feelings of… Click To Tweet

So, I capture moments of happiness in poems, faces and frames as I continue on this journey to provide comfort to that unloved girl inside that’s screaming for an outlet of expression. Lost in my art because it’s the only thing that’s ever been true.

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