So, about this hiatus and the one that preceded! Allow me a moment of transparency yet an ounce of privacy—I was experiencing the worst case of depression my life had ever seen. Of course, it was never a bed of roses but somehow depression always found its way to sneak up on me but this time was different. It consumed me to the point where it was a chore doing things that once brought peace to my life. I couldn’t eat, skin was breaking out horribly, and tossed and turned at night as my soul was tormented with tough decisions I had to make. As much as I prayed, it seemed that things only got worse.
As my world scattered before me, still, I am expected to lift my head up and carry on as a mother—homework, dinners, baths, meetings, as a wife, I sought counseling with my partner and as much as I was alerted by the numerous red flags; I kept praying for God to hold together the very thing he was trying to take apart. As a career woman, I was involved on so many teams that left me with my head spinning and, lastly, as an artist; I wanted more out of life and worked rigorously on building my business thinking if my finances were fixed so would everything else.
When you’re forced into survival mode, you survive!
I stopped hoping for a peaceful transition because the war had begun and the battles were plentiful. I was often obscured by my opponent’s disillusion of prowess so instead of feeling empowered; I felt overpowered, and crumbled when I was alone.When you’re forced into survival mode, you fight to survive! #divorced #impulsiveExpressions #relationships Click To Tweet
No matter how drained I felt, I had a mustard seed of hope that my kids and I would be okay. I wasn’t sure. When I took heed to the tangible; I was constantly greeted with strife accompanied by disappointment and grief. And of course, I couldn’t get out of my own head that “I was going through a divorce”. I mean, no one goes into a marriage thinking of the end. Granted neither of us were perfect; failure was the represented symbol of my hard work and sacrifices for the past twelve years. I felt embarrassed!
Any paperwork I filled out now, I’d have to check the status:
I took so much pride in being married—pride that someone wanted to marry me—before him; I was broken and ashamed (of my past and where I was going) and I left it feeling broken and still ashamed (still unsure of a future now with two children to provide for.)
Finally, God said, enough is enough and brought me out of the pits of emptiness and loneliness as he shone a glimpse of light on me, in me and through me; I started finding a strength that I never recognized. He provided comfort, security, support and love, in ways I didn’t think was possible. I didn’t think I could stand before you all today, alone! I always wanted to be a part of something with someone because that defined or completed me.
Looking back now, I can finally admit to myself that I married for the wrong reasons and realized how important it was for me to know and love myself. Through the toughest time of my life, I found, me and learned to stand happy, alone!
Ahh, it’s a great feeling. To know 6 years ago I was afraid to do this very thing—enough cowering from my pains, enough excuses. I am worthy of all my heart desires, going after it head first by throwing caution to the wind.
For the very first time in my life, I was ready to LIVE. I refused to let 6 more years of fear stunt my growth or my possibilities. God revealed something to me earlier last year and I thought, that’s insane! But, just like that, I stared fear in the eye and made baby steps towards it. I prayed, prayed some more, asked for confirmation then JUMPPPPPPPED with a kid in each arm. I trusted that if I fell, it couldn’t be as bad as things had been. I trusted that after enduring that darkness that only light was ahead.
I said goodbye to my 9-to-5, Maryland and everything I was familiar with, and progressed forward to seek true bliss. Drove from the East Coast to the West Coast over a course of five days still uncertain about the, how’s but I knew the time was now or never.
I said all of that to say, life happened but I’m so glad to be back! Enough looking back; it’s time to look ahead.
Photocreds: yours truly