Wow, it’s been almost a year since I’ve written AND posted a blog. I could beat myself up about it but it won’t help; it’s the past and trust me when I say that I’ve changed the frequency of the energy around me and inevitably my present and future is more balanced.
So, I feel the need to talk a bit about my journey because well, sometimes we feel as if we’re alone and no one understands our daily struggle (while considering in the same notion that no two persons share the same journey).
2016 was a year of awakening for me. I’d been in a toxic relationship for years to the point where I denied the reality of my circumstances. When you’re lying to yourself, it’s the biggest mistake you could ever make. This post, my stance on where I am, where I’m going; this journey has nothing to do with my ex but everything to do with all that I’ve learned from him.
My marriage was over years before I pulled the plug but I kept holding on thinking at some point that it would miraculously change and God would reach down, touch, heal and repair US. Nah, God was like, “Girl, you never came to me before you married this man…and I’ve showed you time and time again to let go but you were too stubborn.”
The pain I endured and the time that it took for me to get to that breaking point of ACCEPTING what things were as opposed to how I wanted to see it; took years!
Over the years, I’d dealt with it but 2016 knocked me off my feet. I experienced the biggest bout of depression my life had ever seen. Waking up each morning was such a task. There were days when I was at work, I’d stare at my monitor for the entirety of the day or hide in the bathroom crying my eyes out. I wasn’t eating or sleeping; I secluded myself from my friends and family because I felt ashamed at the biggest disappointment in my life, a divorce.
No one gets married thinking, we’ll be divorced. Even though I was OVER MY EX and the relationship, my life as I knew it was changing!No one gets married thinking, we’ll get a divorce. Even though I was OVER MY EX and the relationship, my life as I knew it was changing! #divorce #livingAfterDivorce #impulsiveexpressions Click To Tweet
In addition, the divorce was being evaluated and scrutinized by outsiders who had no idea of our truth. When you’re on the outside looking in, it’s easy to say, give him a chance, or to beat me over the head with the bible by telling me that I was going against what God deemed as right. There were those that took one side of the story, formulated their own opinions and judged me.
The funny thing was that I still cared about people’s opinion of me and felt the need to defend my rationale. There were folks, I thought would be there to support and see me through the toughest experience in my life but were nowhere to be found. Finally, I realized God wanted me to stop turning to others and seek him.
I had a handful of friends that were always there—no matter how much I wanted to be left alone, kept pulling me out of the depths of darkness I kept drowning in.
Finally, I had to stop allowing myself from being bogged down by the stipulations of what society deemed as normal and remove the stigma that now came with the divorced title.I had to stop allowing myself from being bogged down by the stipulations of what society deemed as normal and remove the stigma that now came with the divorced title. #divorced #livingAfterDivorce #relationships #impulsiveexpressions Click To Tweet
I had to stop trying to dispel rumors and lies and also, remove myself from the identity of how I visualized my life to be. As a child I always knew I wanted to be a mom and my idea of the perfect life, was a two-parent home, living in a two-story house that my husband would walk into and kiss me on the forehead then greet our 3.5 kids. My husband would be an awesome dad, play catch with our son while our daughters played on the patio with their tea sets as I finished some extravagant meal. Well, my reality wasn’t close!
I stopped worrying about what others assumed, what I thought I had, what I wanted and started accepting things as they were then living for my children and I. If someone wasn’t willing to support my happiness…
It was time to level up.
I had friends that knew the ins and out of my marriage but said, “you guys have two kids” or, “you’re in your 30s; you really think starting over is ideal?” Some people become content with their commitment to mediocrity that all hope is dried up so they project their acceptance of the “this is it” mindset and expect you to do the same.
That wasn’t good enough for my kids or myself because subconsciously we (parents) are setting a precedent for our children to follow. Our kids are looking and paying attention even when we think they aren’t and I didn’t want this toxicity to be deemed as normalcy for them.
I needed to show them how to live a fulfilled life even if it meant turning away from everything that you’ve ever known and starting over. I prayed and God gave me guidance. I dared to dream, to hope, to aspire but most importantly; to LIVE and be free!
While my 9 to 5 was financially rewarding, I was drowning in Maryland so 2016 God showed me that I had to accept my truth and in essence awaken from my sleep. I wanted to relocate since I was in my sophomore year at Morgan. The thought somehow resurfaced again so I kept praying meanwhile dealing with the battles of court, custody battles, while my reputation was being tarnished. I kept turning the other cheek and humbling myself trusting in what God showed me. He revealed to me in March of 2017, that my dreams to move to California and be a fulltime Mompreneur, would come to fruition. I didn’t know how on earth it was going to happen but kept pushing forward.
I’m not going to give you the whole, life is short speech, so I’ll say this, if there’s something in your heart; I challenge you to get OUT OF YOUR WAY and allow it to blossom. You’ll be surprised at how naturally things will fall into place. Stop overthinking and overanalyzing situations, stop second guessing when God has confirmed on several occasions. Comfort brings out mediocrity—don’t become complacent because the unknown is too uncertain. Am I saying just jump? No, allow God to guide you and trust when he says, it’s time.
What is one thing you’ve always wanted to do but were too scared to give it a try? That guy at work that you’re really good friends with but too scared to ask out, or maybe it’s that degree you’ve been wanting to finish, or maybe it’s that business you told your sister you were going to start years ago and now your excuse is, I’ll do it after the kids graduate high school. You can’t always play it safe so why not take a chance on you?
Your future self will thank you!