Torn apart and shredded to pieces. My marriage left me broken and uncertain about who I was and what I could possibly offer. I knew that I didn’t need to rush into anything new and had to take some time to find myself so I did.
Well, finding myself involved 3 years of therapy and constantly questioning myself. I’d try on outfit after outfit wondering why can’t I look like her, why do I look like this, why couldn’t this be smaller, can I still blame this pudge on baby fat when my daughter’s a kindergartner?Torn apart and shredded to pieces. My marriage left me broken and uncertain about who I was and what I could possibly offer. #impulsiveexpression #relationships #divorced #breakups #Exes Click To Tweet
My friends would ask me to hang out and I’d find every reason to say no. If we could hang out virtually, I’d be all about it. Something about people seeing memeant, people seeing behind the mask—the smiles that covered up my hurt and confusion. I felt raw and blistered. I fear that people would see that I was on the brink of a breakdown. I feared having certain conversations or mentioning his name because the only reaction I felt was, pain.I felt raw and blistered. I fear that people would seethat I was on the brink of a breakdown. #relationships #impulsiveexpressions Click To Tweet
Growing up always hearing, you’d never be anything, then getting married to someone that criticized me ten times worse; I felt worthless.
I recall one argument we got into and he said, you’re ugly; why would I even want youand every time I looked at my reflection, I heard those words echo in the back of my head. If I could’ve broken each mirror in my house so as to stop seeing myself; I would’ve but doing so would come at a cost.
I secluded myself because that’s what I was use to when I was with him. Depression and I were cool back then—she sat with us at the dinner table, talked to me for my hour commute to work about how worthless I was and reminded me about what a fool I’d been. I could tap into the Writer and MUA as if they were other personalities living inside of me and talk to women about loving themselves, complimenting them on their skin and drawing attention to their great assets. It was EASY to acknowledge the beauty in others but I couldn’t see it in myself.
I was disgusted with what I saw. Day after day, I tried to tune that voice out, his. All the negativity he spewed, I realized it was him and not me. Slowly but surely, I started realizing my worth. It took years to rebuild. I look back at old photos of when we were together and there was such sadness in my eyes but I wasn’t cognizant of it.
Every day is a challenge that I welcome. Day after day, that voice is muted, his. I have moments when he creeps in—those days when I feel bleh about myself but quickly check myself and stack praises because I’m dope AF!
This may not be everyone’s situation/struggle but it was mine for a long, long time. I started smiling at myself. I started taking into account all my great accomplishments. I started seeingmyself differently—makeup or no makeup—it didn’t matter anymore. I stopped hiding and got comfortable loving me. I realized that I cannot change my perception because someone else felt threatened by who I’d become. There’s no more barriers, no more negative talk or undertones.
It didn’t matter who said I was beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, hot…
Ladies, it’s always OUR opinion that matters. I’m not saying we shouldn’t receive compliments but if you don’t know your worth then no one can begin to define that for you. After being completely shattered, I picked up each piece, one by one and I put me together again and let me tell you something; I’m bad. I feel amazing mentally and it’s reflected externally.
I found my sexy and I’m embracing each curve, each flaw, each laugh line and stretchmark. I love myself to know what I will and will not tolerate.
Is it just me? When you learn to love yourself, your barometer for bullshit is miniscule. If you aren’t going to uplift and add to then I don’t need you and I’m comfortable being alone until God sends my king.
Ladies, what’s something you’ve done to feel sexy again? How long did it take after your break up? Share your thoughts.