Black single-moms—too strong?

I am broken. Past relationships—family, friends, past loves and old lovers—have tainted me in ways that I am fearful to be vulnerable again. Some people say one day at a time but sometimes, you have to face it moment by moment, then minute by minute and so on.

No one truly understands your story until they’ve lived in your shoes and have seen the torment and demons you fight daily.

As a black woman, we’re deemed as angry, bitter and damaged. These remarks are the hardest pills to swallow.  Society paints this stereotype that sadly, most believe. It’s bad enough that we [as black women] have to defend ourselves to other races, but we get hell bent when these remarks are made by our brothers—our black brothers. Why our brothers—because black mothers raised them!

As I sit here penning my thoughts, I find it so difficult to provide an objective perspective so I’ll share the only perspective I know true to me.

I cringe when I hear men say that black women are damaged goods. Just as I cannot understand what it means to be a black man, they cannot empathize with what it means to be a black woman.

It goes back to slavery when black women raised and nursed children that weren’t their own, families pried away from each other and sold off to never reunite again. The ideology of family didn’t exist because every discretion was based off the plantation owner’s judgement. So many homes are missing black fathers and black mothers are left alone to stand up and raise children alone.

As a black woman and a single mother, I have to provide reassurance to my children, let them know that they are safe and that I will protect them by any means necessary. It is a mindset that any strong black woman somehow has been engrained in her by her ancestors. It is something that we have to tap into in order to survive. We have to smile even when we feel like crying because our babies are looking at us for guidance, strength, comfort but mostly stability. When momma’s good, then they’re good.

Mothers, black mothers, have to be nurses, chefs, therapists, teachers—not just of life but of history—as we watch our black men being gunned down it is a necessity to warn our sons of the reality of the world we live in. However, the hardest role to have to play is being both mommy and daddy. This is in no way an attack on my black kings. For those of you doing the damn thing; I commend you! More of my black kings need to step up! Where are you for your child’s recital, practices, doctor’s and dentist’s appointments? Who’s helping with homework and reading? Who’s teaching them about the reality of the cold world we live in?

Now, there are some women (and I use this term loosely) that will work the s*it out the system and make it tough on the GREAT BLACK FATHERS that are out here working and doing all in their power to raise and be impactful in their children’s lives. He’ll help and be involved with extracurricular events, teach and love them but there are women like YOU, that are so mad that he left your psychotic ass; you’ll use your children as pawns. What women like you fail to realize is that, this ain’t chess b*tch; this is checkers when it comes to simple ass females like you that make it hard on the good ones. Your children won’t stay young forever and karma is a bald headed, ain’t got no man type of chic so good luck with that.

So, I shared that to say, fellas, when you approach a black woman with the mindset that we’re bitter or mad as hell, understand all that’s on our shoulders. Most of the times it’s not that we’re mad, it’s just so much we’re juggling all at once and we do not have time for the bullsh*t so we might be a little abrasive. It weeds out the clowns believe it or not.

Men claim they want a strong black woman until she becomes too strong. We’re faulted for being too independent, too fierce, too mouthy and that somehow emasculates them? Of course, initially they’re attracted to you by your intellect but if you challenge too much then we don’t know our place. Nothing is a better accessory than having a great man and I don’t think they truly understand how deep partnership and compassion runs. Believe it or not, strong women have no problems saying to a strong man, baby lead; I will follow. However, we want to know that you know how to lead and we want to know who’s leading you.

Men claim they want a strong woman until she becomes too strong. #SingleMom #Mompreneur #impulsiveExpressions Click To Tweet

Lastly, not because we’ve been hurt in the past means that we need you to fix us. Repair begins and ends with us! Loving a strong woman is seeing the aftermath of all that she’s undergone. This ain’t a science project bruh, if you don’t have M.D. after your name, I suggest you provide a shoulder and not become someone to psychoanalyze her.

Not because we’ve been hurt in the past means that we need you to fix us. Repair begins and ends with us! #impulsiveExpressions #SingleMoms Click To Tweet

I am sometimes afraid to feel so I numb myself from both the joys and pains of love. I am in the process of healing and it takes time!

To my sisters, and single moms, I want you to remember one thing, while it’s important that you’re one heck of a mom, remember that you’re a woman first. If you’re doing it alone for whatever reason, yes, be fierce, courageous and bold but remember to be kind to yourself; the world is already so hard on us. Your imperfections are what make you unique. The key to finding the love you seek is learning to LOVE yourself. When you know your worth; you won’t settle for anything less.

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